Chinese translation: http://tieba.baidu.com/f?kz=915148724
English translation by sabby25 @ soompi

 

Don’t ever say you like another guy besides me, up till now then I was able to speak out what has been buried in my heart. Personally hearing from you, saying you like another guy, to me, it really is a very painful thing. Now my earnest wish is for you to see me, you can see only me, thinking about this led me on. Me hugging your nodded head, now all the wandering has come to an end, my uncertain feelings have come to settle down, the feelings of what to do with you have also calm down. As the rain falls down to the ground like shooting stars, it seems like millions of stars, how beautiful…

 

“Hyung, Oh Ha Ni is moving out!” Please do not go anywhere else now, because I’m holding onto Ha Ni’s hand, because I’ll never let your daughter go. “I have something to say to you, I would like to marry Oh Ha Ni, please give your permission father!” Hearing me calling him father, uncle’s (Ha Ni’s dad) eyes suddenly widen, looks like he got a shock. This is also right, such a cold hearted fellow suddenly ask for the hand of marriage. The sound/noise of shock and surprised have calm down, “You are sincere about this?” “Yes!” Yes, I am sincere! Just like what you are seeing, our tightly held hands represents all my sincerity, please give your permission!

 

“You know our Ha Ni cannot do anything right.” “I know.” (When entering school, I wanted to help her tie beautiful hair plaits like other children, but can’t due to these rough hands. But this lovely child is always so happy to see those crooked and twisted plaits and said it looks very pretty, so Seung Jo ah, Please continue to love and care for her on my behalf!)

 

“Her head is not considered smart, cooking is also bad!” (Last time when she went to a spring excursion with the school, I helped her pack kimbap, all her classmates complimented her mum’s handy work. Our Ha Ni cannot tell her classmates that her mum is gone but instead she went home and cried, Seung Jo ah, can you also include her mum’s part to care for her on her behalf and give her more love? )

 

“She is careless, sometimes accident prone.” (Girls also have some things which are inconvenience to share with their father, many things happens before I could come to know about it, because of this I always feel apologetic towards Ha Ni. Seung Jo ah, please do care for her a bit more. Sorry, falling in love with our not so capable Ha Ni; Thank you, for accepting the lacking of our Ha Ni.

 

Father’s tears touched me, allowed me to feel his fatherly love. Enduring his life alone, even bare the burdens of his passed away wife’s responsibilities as a mother in order to bring up his daughter, but always worried that he did not put more effort, all these emotions/feelings I was able to feel it at that moment. “Even so, she’s bright and is very good about doing the right thing. She has a cute side to her. I agree, since Ha Ni like you very much!” Thank you for allowing us to be together. It might seem that Ha Ni has only this little bit, but that little bit equals to all my shortcomings. Therefore Ha Ni who has that little bit I do not have, to me it is 100 marks. So, I’ll do my best. Although I don’t know what a father like you is lacking in but I’ll give it my all and love her. Thank you once again for giving Ha Ni to me.

 

“Ah, Ha Ni ah, this is great, this is great, Baek Seung Jo why are you so cool.” Mother sure is mother, can always tell the lies I said from my mouth, and always doing as you pleases according to your understanding from what other people say. All these are because of you; mum, because of you I cannot easily let others see through my inner feelings. You always interrupt my life. But today I will forgive you in everything. Reason is that because of you, I can be acquainted with Ha Ni, also because of you I am able to face my true feelings towards Ha Ni, want to hold on dearly to her feelings.

 

Carefully I envelop you in my arms. “What is it?” You kept on smiling, your smile as though a bright light lit up my heart. As warm as spring day my love, do promise me no matter when just stay by side, use your smile to bring warmth to me. “What?” “I’m just worried if you go to sleep like this, once it’s morning. What if you go back being the cold Baek Seung Jo!” “Then, do you want us to sleep together tonight?” Do you want me to show you, show you my true heart, show you that this is like an endless dream that will never wake. “I couldn’t even imagine it, that you will come to like me!” “Me too” Actually don’t know when was it that I have unknowingly come to love, like a spark that lighted up a prairie fire. You the fool who was unaware of love, I the fool who was unaware of love…Your words tonight, made happiness seared into my heart forever. This is the first time I confront my inner feelings, this is also the day that I first encountered love.

 

It’s okay, I can understand your uneasiness inside. All is too sudden. I was cold towards you up till yesterday, and suddenly today I said I like you. But you this fool ah, you just kept looking at me quietly, put away all your inferiority complex, open your eyes wide and look carefully at me, I bet you will be able to feel it immediately. You will realize that I’m doing everything you wish for; I’m trying my hardest to fill up the emptiness of your life. Fool, although I am also smiling like a fool. Thank you for your love, thank you for your perseverance of waiting, thank you for not abandoning me.

 

Thank you, Hae Ra. I don’t want to feel apologetic towards you. Because I know how similar you are compared to me, reckless woman. All of our common traits made me feel comfortable. However this comfort can’t fill up the emptiness of my life. I kept comforting myself to believe how compatible you and I are, but whenever I thought of you it is like looking at my own reflection through a mirror, reflection of loneliness, reaching out all I can feel is a piece of cold glass.

 

Sorry, Bong Joon Gu. I knew how much effort you have put into this long relationship. However, I cannot let Ha Ni go. She made me angry, made me smile, she also made me panic, she sometimes even made me absurd, but it is because of these things which really made me feel alive. These feelings may be easy for others to feel, yet to me these feelings have been buried too deep in my heart, to a depth that I don’t even know it existed, until Ha Ni came along and arouse these feelings. Took your precious Ha Ni away from you, I’m really remorseful. I promise u that I will include along with your part together to treasure her, cherish her.

 

“What should I do, my credits are lacking! I really don’t seem like the kind to study, should I just give up here?” Looking at Ha Ni’s frowned face, saying she does not want to study any longer, I really felt a little disappointed. “What about when everyone around you was studying like crazy to get good grades so they could get a job? What were you doing? Have you thought about your future career? You don’t think things through enough and that’s why your calculations are wrong and your credits don’t add up.” What happen to the child today, who always gave all her best in everything no matter what? Maybe due to feelings of anxiety is the reason why I said such indifferent things to her. “So… because of this you want to quit studying? If you didn’t have perseverance what would be left of you? Then you…don’t have any charm.” Actually all I wanted to say is just put in a bit more effort then it will be alright, strive a little harder it will be fine. You exclaimed: ”I might just go to a different guy!” What, another guy? I thought I told you not to ever say you like another guy besides me, you have already forgotten about it? Felt a sudden rush of anger. “So you have that kind of courage? Bong Joon Gu, or Kyung Su Sunbae?” If you were able to fell for another guy, would we even progress up till today? Isn’t it because no matter how hard we tried we have only eyes for each other which lead us to progress up till now, going back and forth finally we have came this far, yet you say all these things so easily…”Do as you wish!” I muttered coldly against the will of my heart, and left.

 

In the end, Ha Ni did not return home yesterday. There is a saying that if you love somebody you will have to give up at least half of yourself. But I selfishly wanted to protect myself and said those indifferent things. Why in front of you I always cannot converse good words to covey my thoughts? Regret and worry made me distraught. I’m sure it is okay, you have friends who always stay by your side to support you, you must have gone to one of their home to stay. It must be it, I can only comfort my languishing heart. You did not call, I cannot call too, I can only fiddle around with my hand phone. The image of you cold and out alone somewhere keep appearing in my mind, which is why I kept stealing glances out the window.

 

“It is because you would not look for Ha Ni, I want to leave home too!” ’‘But it already came to this, let us solve it on our own, it’s for the best, for Hani.’ ‘But, do you know? A human’s heart isn’t like a math question- which only has an answer, although I don’t really know the right answer.” Yes, mother. I’ve no idea what the answer is as well. I think Ha Ni also doesn’t know the answer that is the reason why she is wandering too. Nevertheless, we need to find the answer on our own isn’t it? If we want to know the answer we would have to put some effort in return, no matter how difficult it may be we must not give up, no matter how tired we must not run away from it, this is what Ha Ni do best, it’s her merit. Recently Ha Ni have come to be dependent on me, which worries me. I hope I will not the one pulling her forward instead what I hope is for us to move forward together with her. I think if I wait a little longer for Ha Ni I will find the answer? We shouldn’t be in the situation where me being strong and you being weak in comparison, alternatively we should complement/compensate each other’s strengths and weaknesses, then encourage each other as it progresses. Thus, please Ha Ni, please be stronger, please love yourself more, please be more independent!

 

***end of Diary 14***

 

 

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From here, it’s an edited version by dairy author

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