Chinese translation by http://tieba.baidu.com/f?kz=914251861
English translation by sabby25@soompi

 

Hae Ra said to try out and start dating. Start? Talking about start…in my opinion am I even capable to start anew with someone else? This heart of mine have already completely placed somewhere else…at the present state I just require a little corner, besides this I have no other requests. Alright, just allow me to pretend ignorant, then stick to the end. This month’s employee’s wages are also used instead for the game’s development costs. Now I realize how difficult it is to live on, it is too scary/ horrible, the timid me just have to close both my eyes…

 

After the scene where Ha Ni asks whether Seung Jo went for Blind date~:

Why aren’t you going back to your room to cry? Your soft cries reached through the door and into my room, hearing this pains/hurts me felt as if my heart have been cut out into pieces. Doing things to let you hate me already hurt me bad enough, like I’m dying in pain, yet why are you there crying so sadly!?

What do you want me to do?…I can’t cry out like you, I also can’t be angry like you, because everything and everything was my choice. I could only hate a fool like myself, and then experience the same pain as of many thorns piercing my whole body. What can I do…

 

Seung Jo @ office:

Received a message “Not matter how busy you are, don’t forget to eat! Acting like your girlfriend Hae Ra”, but this led me to think of you. You are always so hopeful that I would introduce you as my girlfriend in front of others, just when I have a thought of doing so as you wish, things have developed and make a sudden turn which I actually come to hate. Although I can’t convey my feelings to you but i can convey my message right?

“Absence without reason!-( Are you not feeling well?)
Cut from your month’s wage!-(Please eat well, don’t be sad anymore)”

 

Morning breakfast table scene:

“Where is Oh Ha Ni?” Now every morning after I wake up, unconsciously all I want is to see you. Went for a date? Date? I just went on a blind date a few days ago, you are already going for a date? Who is it this time round? The guy with a unique interest! Why didn’t I ever gave a thought of the fact that Ha Ni may go towards another, that brilliant smile, that overly kind-heart, the fact that these can also belong to someone else, why? At that moment my heart went “Bang(peng)”*sound* and was penetrated, a sudden swept of wind from the hole created carried a soft whistle of the name Ha Ni. No one to do preparation before I set off to work, also no one nags at me saying “Have you remembered your wallet? What about keys?” Entering my world/life just like this and also abandoning me just like this…

 

Met Ha Ni and Joon Gu dating:

“You two really match well!” regarding saying opposite of how I feel inside is what I do best. Yes, do what I do best, regards to Oh Ha Ni, am I not always behaving like that? Mind as well continues to do so today. Cannot let you understand/know my feelings, cannot convey my feelings towards you. Looking at you together with Bong Joon Gu, I am not even upset, no matter how much anger I feel inside till I want to break that arm of that fellow who keeps on holding you. But in order to hide my hidden feelings, to me this is really easy.

 

After slamming the door at Ha Ni:

I must never run out of this door, no matter how happy you say you are when you are with Bong Joon Gu, no matter how much I want to say aloud to tell you that I like you. I must never open, now clutching onto the door bar is my only hope. Must ensure that this door is tightly locked, must ensure that my heart is tightly locked too. Like a fool, pretending not to know anything and live on, then become a person who don’t know you at all and live on.

 

On a Date with Hae Ra:

Even though now I am together with Hae Ra, you are always in my eyes. Your looks when you are joking, your looks when you are angry, all these should be sent out of my thoughts… that time when we ate together, that time when we studied together but fall asleep head to head, that time when we spend the night together, that time when we shared our sweet kiss. Just pretend all is forgotten, even if we pass by each other by coincidence, just act like all is forgotten and live on. Then similar like today even if sudden thoughts of you came up just let it be sudden thoughts only.

 

Eun Jo asking SJ does he like Hae Ra:

Hae Ra is really compatible with me, very pretty, slim and thin, play tennis really well, very smart, we can communicate very well with one another, also read a lot of books, everything will turn for the better. Eun Jo ah~ Just let it be. I will also slowly fall in love with Hae Ra. Just act like a fool who can forget everything all of a sudden.

I kept hesitating but still decide to head towards the choice of leaving you. You who left me, you who can never turn back still make me can’t help but look around, even if it is the sound of the slightest wind I would pay sudden attention to it. Thinking that maybe you will come back, searching within the reach of my sight…it will be alright just give some time, I can forget, falling for Hae Ra is also just a matter of time.

 

Tennis Court scene:

“Heard that today she is going to reply to Joon Gu’s proposal!” Joo Ri and Min Ah followed behind my back, they said in a volume I could hear. I really cannot believe it. Oh Ha Ni getting married? Just having the thought of her smiling to Bong Joon Gu, kissing him, already make my heart rose like a burst of anger ready to explode. Immediate loss of all feelings and rather abruptly sense of abandon which I am unable to accept. Why do I feel the sense of being abandoned? I never do anything for her, did I not? We can’t even smile and talk about the future together. How I hope she will always stay by my side, what to do with this endless selfishness of mine. Don’t tell me I can only ignore my inner feelings, I feel like I am drown in the deep sea, unable to breathe, I kept struggling, I close my eyes and kept on struggling. Finally I understand that Oh Ha Ni is like my air I need to survive; only if you are with me then I can breathe. What to do? Baek Seung Jo, what should you do? My heart is at a loss…

 

Seating on the bench with an umbrella scene:

Why am I here? Something I need to tell her? If I am going to wait till Ha Ni comes, what am I going to do then? Or is it because I need to confirm something? Or is it because I wanted to hear from her personally that she accepted Bong Joon Gu’s proposal, Baek Seung Jo? Waiting for you who was walking under the rain heading towards my direction, waiting for you whom I am suppose to let go, waiting for you whom I want to hold on to, waiting for you whom I want to ask not to leave.
“Do you love him, Bong Joon Gu?” “Of course, I like him, he liked only me for almost 4 years!” Ha Ni blurted out these words similar to a knife cutting through my heart, looking at the fresh blood flowing out of my heart, I finally understand my heart/feelings. “If someone says they like you, then you just like them like that too?” “You like me, you can’t like anyone but me, am I not right?” I shouted. Originally thought that the little affection towards Ha Ni could be forgotten easily, but yet my arrogant heart was so sure of the fact that if I were to lose Ha Ni, I am unable to live on. Once more it also confirm the fact that if..only if I were to lose her, I would live in regret for the rest of my life.

“Yes, you are right! I only like you. So what am I supposed to do? You don’t even see me!” Okay, hearing these sentences from you is sufficient, I just need to hear you say you like me…Similar to the wind in this rain which swept my love towards you. No matter how many times I shout you belong to me, it is insufficient, I move towards you, my lips found yours, ever since the moment we share our first kiss I have not forgotten the feel of your lips, the lips that often call out my name…just then I realize that ever since the moment I swore to forget you till now, I never forget you at all.

You, similar to the rain water already infiltrate through my body, missing you like this storm brought me closer towards you. From now on, I will never let you go again. I could not bring myself to enter this darkness of hell ever again. I knew this would happen. Ever since that day, looking at you studying so hard- triggered my curiosity towards you/ made me think you are kind of special; ever since you shouted saying you wanted to forget me which made me fume with anger; ever since in the forest bench where you fallen asleep soundly, the beautiful look on your face…

***end of diary 13***

 

 

Another English translation by Reena29shadow (with illustration)

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